This week, I read an article about a woman who writes a blog about sandwiches. That all sounds well and good until you find out the terrible truth: she’s making these sandwiches so that her boyfriend will propose to her.
Yeah. I’m not kidding. The title of the article is “I’m 124 sandwiches away from an engagement ring.” You can read it here.
Despite the fact that I have A LOT OF FEELINGS about this, I’m not going to go into them now. You all come here to read about food, not feminism. And you know what? I plan to deliver.
On Saturday morning I decided to seduce myself with a sandwich.
Yeah, that’s right. I made my own goddamn sandwich. And I ate it MYSELF.
I’m a big fan of sandwiches in all forms, but the breakfast sandwich is a special, beautiful, sensuous thing. I really do love a good breakfast sandwich. Drooool….
I used the patchwork of items in my lovely fridge to concoct a magical breakfast for myself. Yes. FOR MYSELF. (Note: This is not to say I would never make anyone else a sandwich. I probably would. But only if I really like them and they don’t happen to ask for it.)
Here’s how it all went down:
Step 1: Make coffee.
Step 2: Look inside fridge. Discover what you have at your disposal. Put it all on the counter and ponder it.
Step 3: Concoct sandwich plan in your head. Determine that as much as you want to put bacon on your sandwich, it’s not going to work out this time. Just doesn’t fit the vibe.
Step 4: Make bacon anyway.
Step 5: MAKE YO’ SANDWICH.
- Caramelize onions.
- Toast brioche bun in the oven.
- Fry an egg.
- Meanwhile, drink coffee and eat bacon.
- Once bread is toasted, ASSEMBLE.
- Spread mustard on top piece of bread.
- Spread ricotta cheese on bottom piece of bread.
- Gently, lovingly place roasted pepper on top of ricotta cheese.
- Even more lovingly slide fried egg onto pepper.
- Carefully arrange caramelized onions on top of egg.
- Top with salad greens.
Step 6: EAT YO’ SANDWICH.
All in all it turned out to be a pretty good sandwich, given that I patched the whole thing together with little to no advance planning. Pro-tip for next time: AVOCADO would have made this sandwich amazing.
[Fast-forward to Sunday morning.]
On Sunday, I woke up close to noon and my first thought was “sandwich.” (Sometimes I think I might just be brilliant.)
But sadly I could not recreate Saturday’s concoction, as I was out of roasted peppers. WHATEVER WOULD I DO???
Fear not, it all worked out. I had kale!
Kale on a sandwich?
Yes. I am telling you now: yes.
It looks like this:
I’m sure it’s lovely to have someone make you a sandwich. I mean, why would you ever turn down a sandwich?
But here’s the thing, Stephanie Smith. You can go right on making your 300 sandwiches for your douchebag boyfriend. I, on the other hand, am going to make MYSELF 300 goddamn sandwiches.
Because you know what? There is nothing more satisfying than making a really delicious sandwich for yourself.