[This is Part 1 of the Series Where I Catch You Up on My Drinking Doings Since December.]
So between Christmas and January 10th, I actually traveled to L.A. twice. It’s a little disheartening, considering how much I dislike that place.
But I think this latest set of trips may have given L.A. a bit of an upgrade in my book.
The first of my recent L.A. visits was for a family Christmas, the second was for a beach ultimate frisbee tournament. You might guess that the latter was a more fun and shenanigan-filled trip, but you would be wrong.
Family Christmas is the best thing that has ever happened. EVER.
(Reminder: I use an unnecessary amount of hyperbole when I’m drunk. And yes, I’m a little drunk right now. So shush.)
This year, for the first time in 15 YEARS (<–that is actually true), my entire dad’s side of the family got together. The last time ALL of us were together at the same time was my grandfather’s funeral in 1997. And at that time, my cousins and I were far too young to consume alcohol or have any manners. (For example: My cousin Ron tried to get us all to go to Six Flags. During the funeral weekend. This is how young/immature/unaware we were.)
So anyway. This Christmas was a big deal. Family. Togetherness. The whole family in the same place at the same time! It was going to be magical.
And of course, I went into the trip with just one important mission: Get my cousin Evangeline really, REALLY drunk.
You are probably wondering why this was my goal. No, it’s not because I don’t like her. And it’s not because I was trying to prove I am a better drinker than she is (because, in fact, I am not).
No. I wanted to get Evangeline drunk as payback. Sweet, sweet payback for the time she got me so drunk I nearly missed my cousin Ron’s wedding ceremony because I couldn’t stop vomiting. (Fun fact: I made it through the ceremony! But then I missed the reception. Dammit, E.)
This drunk-getting plan was made all the easier by my goofy father, who doesn’t really like people, especially family. Because of this, he planned a variety of “activities” for us to do so we wouldn’t have to actually hang out together in my Aunt’s house all week. And one of those activities was wine tasting.
My plan was unfolding perfectly.
The night before we went wine tasting we went to a birthday party for my cousin’s wife’s younger brothers. They were turning 25. We drank a fair amount at that party. I mean, we drank as if we weren’t about to drink for the entire next day. Because why should I censor myself?
The next morning, I managed to wake up feeling pretty peachy, while Evangeline spent most of the car ride to Temecula, CA trying to get rid of her hangover. In fact, she took it so easy at the first few wineries that I was mildly concerned that my plan might totally fail.
But fear not. The day wore on and the wine drinking continued. Now I’m not trying to say I wasn’t drunk (I was). And I’m not trying to say that I didn’t make a fool of myself (I did). And I’m not trying to say that I didn’t run back into a nearly-closed winery to buy two bottles of Cabernet Franc because it was the best wine ever and I held up the whole car but who the fuck cares. (Yes, I did do that.)
What I AM trying to say, however, is that Evangeline was far drunker than I was. She was so drunk, in fact, that she somehow managed to sprawl across the entire backseat (she was sitting in the middle) and completely pass out on me and my mother.
When we got back to my Aunt’s house, I assumed she would wake up. But she didn’t. Like, she just would not wake up. So we got some photos. You know, for posterity’s sake.
My mother managed to extricate herself from under Evangeline’s legs, and I eventually managed to escape the car myself, and then we had a comatose cousin in the back seat. My mother objected to leaving her there, so we managed to wake her up and get her inside, where more hilarity ensued. I don’t even think I remember what she even said, but she was black-out drunk for the rest of the night and has no recollection of any of it. And considering the entire family was laughing at her, it’s no wonder she got so defensive and hilarious. It’s also probably for the best that she doesn’t remember any of this. I’m not sure I’ve ever laughed that hard at someone else’s expense. It was incredible.
Now, before you go thinking I’m a horrible person, consider this: I will forever be remembered as the cousin who vomited 2 minutes before her cousin’s wedding in order to barely drag myself through the 20-minute beach ceremony without vomiting again. I will forever be the cousin who missed the reception. And sure, Evangeline may have been blamed slightly for my state, but I was still the one who missed the party.
And now Evangeline will be remembered as the cousin who passed out after wine tasting and then drunkenly tried to defend herself afterwards. And sure, we all laughed. But it’s a family story we’ll never forget, and hell, we love her all the more for it.
P.S. Dear cousins, if you are reading this, much love to you all. And sorry if I hyperbolized too much, but hey, I’m drunk and this is my blog anyway. xoxo