Ok, so it’s been over a year. I’m great at this blogging thing, for reals. But I think it’s time I try again, for a few reasons. First, several people have asked me over the past few weeks why I stopped blogging. “You were good at that! You should keep doing it!” Well, shucks. That’s pretty damn sweet. Guess I should give the people what they want, right? (Also, thanks everyone. Y’all are the best.)
The second reason is that I really need a distraction. (Warning: heavy content ahead.) I’ll just be perfectly blunt about it: I am beyond miserable and every single day is a struggle right now. It sucks. A lot. The past two years have been incredibly difficult for so many reasons, this past year in particular. Worst year of my life, if I’m being perfectly honest (although 2008-09 comes pretty damn close). And I am not optimistic about anything at the moment, which is a pretty shit place to be existing but hey, so it goes. And while I have no confidence that blogging will fix anything, it can’t possibly hurt. Plus, there is something to be said for taking the time to remember fun times and wild nights and writing them down. At the very least, it’s a short respite from the daily slog.
I’ve been rotating between three states of being over the past many months. I like to call these SOBs [States Of Being] because a) duh and b) it also means “sons of bitches” and that’s fucking hilarious. Because sometimes my state of being is a total fucking SOB and I want to punch it in the face. And the mental image in my head of my SOB being an SOB and me drop kicking it in the ass like a football makes me smile. (Apologies for the violence, but it’s only in my head, I promise. Also, sorry if that was confusing. Acronyms are hard.)
ANYWAY. Back to the point. Three states of being. The first is “meh” or complete and utter apathy about everything. This SOB is also well-represented by the shrug emoji. This is my favourite SOB because when I am apathetic, it’s harder to ruffle my feathers. I also tend to find nearly everything funny. Oh, I just dropped my ice cream on the sidewalk? HAHA THAT’S HILARIOUS. And then I laugh because life is such a bitch, and what else can you do but laugh about it?
Of course, SOB #1 doesn’t last forever, and usually then morphs into one of the next two states. The second state of being is something I like to call IDGAF, or I Don’t Give A Fuck. This is a pretty angry SOB. I also tend to be pretty manic when I’m feeling this way. High energy, low morale, and a complete hatred of everything around me. During these times, when something bad happens, my response tends to be something along the lines of “NOTHING MATTERS” and then feeling bitter while simultaneously dancing around my living room. Because obviously it does matter and I do care, but it just never seems to go my way and I’m not sure how to handle it. I don’t like this SOB because it scares the people around me. Also, my brain is mean. Yikes.
If I’m lucky, I go from SOB #2 back to #1, and I feel better for a while. If not, along comes SOB #3. This one I like to call Fake It Till You Make It, also known as “put a smile on it and no one will notice that you’re miserable!” The problem with this SOB is that it doesn’t really work, but I’ve convinced myself that it does so I keep trying. And then, when I’m in the middle of it, I’m smiling like a lunatic to try and hide my misery, and then I’m pretty sure that if I keep fake-smiling this hard, I will actually turn into a cartoon smiley face, or a deranged version of the Cheshire Cat, and it will be so terrifying that everyone will flee the scene. This is my least favourite SOB, mostly because it only appears when I’m absolutely at my most miserable. But also, it’s no longer working, and I’m not really sure what to do about it. My friends have started seeing through my fake smiles (big surprise there) but I’m still too afraid to explain things to them for fear they will run away.
Despite all of this, there are still moments of joy. Most of these occur when I’m on holiday, or doing something special (going to a concert, or whatnot). Last week was filled with joyful moments, because I was away in Berlin and Paris and blocked out the real world for a while. But the comedown from these manic and happy times is rough. I got back yesterday and today has been unbelievably difficult (hence the swift and brutal arrival of SOB #3).
So, to finally bring this full circle, I am reigniting the blog. It will give me an excuse to relive joyous moments by writing them down, and will also (hopefully) encourage me to try and make increasingly more of those moments in the future. I also suck at documenting things (I tend to hate my phone when I am intoxicated, so then I forget to take pictures) but maybe this blogging thing will encourage me to be better about recording fun moments through some completely shitty and blurry photographs. How could you not be excited about that?
This post got too long, so I’m done for now. But soon, Berlin and Paris. Starting tomorrow.
Joy still exists. I just need to keep remembering that.