[Drunk Baking] Adorable Apple Cake

On Sunday afternoon, I got drunk and made an apple cake. It also happened to be super adorable. Here is the story of how the adorable apple cake came to be.

October 5th. The Un-Live Blog.

3:22pm – Open a beer. Drink it. Gotta warm up your drinking muscles and relax your cooking muscles. #science

3:46pm – Open beer #2. Time to start cooking!

4:01pm – Spend far too long cutting apples. Blegh.

4:02pm – Drink a bunch of beer.

4:07pm – Quick clean up. Drink more beer because you’re too sober. Restrain yourself from eating the apples that are now coated in sugar and lemon juice.

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4:17pm – Halfway through beating the batter. Arms are tired. Need more beer.

4:21pm – Seriously, why are you drinking your beer so slowly?

4:28pm – Finish beating batter. Lick the beaters. Chase with beer.

4:29pm – Dance break!

4:35pm – Beat those eggs whites! Listen to “Beat It” as you do so.

4:40pm – OMG THE BATTER IS DONE.

4:42pm – OMG this cake is going to be amazing.

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4:45pm – In the oven! Eat remaining batter off the spoon. Finish beer.

4:49pm – Beer #3!

4:50pm – Dance break.

4:55pm – Dishes break.

4:58pm – Dishes are done!

5:00pm – Cake smells amazing. Still 20 minutes to wait. TORTURE.

5:01pm – Distract yourself by doing something else in the kitchen.

5:05pm – Successfully quarter an acorn squash. This has nothing to do with cake. Also, it only took 4 minutes. DAMNIT.

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5:07pm – Continue drinking beer and dancing around the living room.

5:12pm – OMG HOW HAS IT ONLY BEEN 5 MINUTES. I am too impatient right now. I blame the beer.

5:13pm – Drink beer. Again. Because what else are you going to do?

5:17pm – 2 MINUTES LEFT.

5:20pm – TIMER WENT OFF OMG IT’S DONE.

5:20pm – Shit, no it’s not. DAMNIT.

5:20pm – Set timer for 5 more minutes. Glumly drink more beer.

5:21pm – Beer is awesome!

5:26pm – THE CAKE IS DONE. Look how adorable it is!

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5:27pm – Allow cake to cool. Try to figure out how to edit a video. Fail completely. Drink more beer.

5:35pm – ROOMMATE IS HOME! Yay! Now I can actually do something productive with that acorn squash…

[At this point, hours pass. I do, in fact, cook the acorn squash. My roomie and I also make salmon and kale. We be fancy. We eat dinner. I drink about half a bottle of wine. The drunkenness continues. Dinner is delicious. And then cake-time continues.]

8:49pm – CAKE. (Suddenly I have remembered that cake happened earlier.)

8:50pm – Make honey glaze for cake.

8:51pm – Honey glaze is done! (Yeah, it’s basically just slightly-warmed honey. Whatevs.)

8:52pm – Glaze cake.

8:53pm – THIS CAKE IS BEAUTIFUL.IMG_20141005_210914

8:48pm – My roommate and I then proceed to devour said cake. And by devour I mean we each have a small slice that we eat very delicately with a fork. Because we are classy like that. (I mean, we just had salmon + squash + kale for dinner. We be classy folk here in Seattle.)

Ok, I’m pretty drunk. Umm. Yep.

OH. Right. Recipe. If you want it, I stole it from Smitten Kitchen. Cuz she’s pretty much the best. You can find it here!

And now I have no more to say. Happy Sunday!

That time I got drunk (again) and baked some things (again).

Well, friends. I did it again. Drunk baking. My favorite pastime!

And this time, it got real drunk.

A few weeks ago, I decided to make one of the most involved recipes on the planet. Like, holy cow. It’s pretty unnecessary how involved this recipe was. As such, since I knew I would be devoting most of my afternoon to the project, I decided to get really drunk.

Oh, and I succeeded. Obviously.

This time, I also did something else new and exciting. I attempted to make a podcast. It didn’t go so well. I got too drunk and disorganized to handle my shit, so it turned into two hours of me rambling, making messes, dropping shit, burning myself, and laughing uncontrollably.

Here’s how it all went down.

The recipe: Pumpkin Pie Cupcakes with Cream Cheese Frosting

First, I made pie crust. Nothing too complicated.

Then I made miniature pumpkin pies. Adorable, but still not particularly complicated.

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But then I was halfway through a bottle of wine and things started to get weird.

I managed to make the cupcake batter, but once the first batch was in the oven I sort of lost my shit and this happened:

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Yeah. It was bad. Even worse considering I took that photo of myself. Yikes.

Despite this, I somehow managed to make it to the grocery store and back before the first batch was done!

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But then the podcast seriously went south. I couldn’t stop laughing, and I nearly destroyed my kitchen trying to get the second batch in the oven. I had drunk over 75% of the bottle of wine on an empty stomach and shit was getting weird. I ended up sitting on my floor while the second batch was baking and just eating batter out of the bowl.

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Yes. I ate all of the leftover batter. ALL OF IT.

Thank goodness I managed to stay coherent enough to pull the cupcakes out of the oven at the right time. Because immediately afterwards, I passed out for about an hour. When I awoke, I knew I needed to feed myself something solid, so I made myself a bunch of pasta and (of course) finished the wine.

By that point I was so drunk and exhausted that I simply gave up on making frosting and decided to leave it for the next day.

On the upside, although the podcast was an utter failure (even hours of editing couldn’t make it worth listening to), some of the outtakes seemed worth saving. And so, dear friends, here is a sampling of what happens when I get really drunk and try to make cupcakes:

Happy Thanksgiving!

My favorite pastime!

You would probably assume my favorite pastime is drinking. But that’s not true. My favorite hobby is drinking. There is a difference. Look it up.

To the point: my favorite pastime is drunk baking. The reason this is my favorite pastime is because I drink a lot, and I bake a lot, but I rarely think to do them together. It’s only at those totally I-have-nothing-else-to-do moments that I actually consider undertaking this amazing challenge.

And then the magic happens. (And “magic” is used very loosely here. Sometimes it can mean “utter disaster.” Hooray!)

Normally I would just tell you all about the wonders of my drunk-baking experience, but I’ve only just started and I’m afraid I will be too drunk by the end to put the entire story together. I’m already having trouble and it’s only 6:30pm.

So, without further adieu, here is the play-by-play of the most wonderful day (of this week…):

Sunday, September 30

[5:14pm] Christina determines it is time for drunk baking. She opens a bottle of Dogfish Head Punkin Ale (7% ABV) and begins to drink it. Quickly.

[5:18pm] Decisions are made. APPLE MUFFINS!

This is a picture of beer and apples. See?

[5:25pm] Batter mixed for apple muffins. Leftover apple pieces are consumed. Happiness abounds.

[5:30pm] Apple muffins go in the oven!

[Addendum to 5:30pm] Inebriation is setting in.

[Further addendum to 5:30pm] Shot of Kahlua consumed. Don’t judge.

[5:36pm] Dance party in the living room. Listening to White Panda. Waving at the neighbors in the apartment building across the street. Dancing like a maniac for their entertainment.

[5:49pm] APPLE MUFFINS ARE DONE!

See?

[5:58pm] Cleaning the dishes for Round 2. Laaaame.

[6:06pm] Further decisions are made. OATMEAL COOKIES!

[6:09pm] Batter for oatmeal cookies is started. In an attempt to make the butter soften faster, butter is placed on the stove top.

[6:10pm] There is melted butter all over the stove top.

[6:11pm] Sponges are awesome!

[6:19pm] WET INGREDIENTS MIXED. That sounds dirty. Immaturity abounds.

[6:25pm] There is no more beer. This is a problem.

[6:26pm] Cookie batter is complete!

[6:27pm] Disturbing realization sets in that chocolate chips have been forgotten. And there are none in the house. OH GOD.

[6:30pm] Frantic dance party ensues.

[6:42pm] Trip to the grocery store is imminent.

[6:47pm] Wallet forgotten. Quick return to the apartment remedies the situation. Wallet retrieved!

[7:01pm] THERE IS MORE BEER! (And chocolate chips, of course.)

The day is saved! (With New Belgium Red Hoptober Ale, of course.)

[7:09pm] Time is wasted while the cookie batter softens. It was in the fridge. What a stupid idea. More beer is consumed to make everything ok again.

[7:28pm] First batch in the oven!

[Addendum to 7:28pm] Oh god, the kitchen.

[Further addendum to 7:28pm] DANCE PARTIES FIX EVERYTHING!

[7:35pm] The cookies were too big.

So sad.

[7:39pm] While waiting for cookies to cool, second beer is finished.

[7:41pm] New Belgium Belgo saves the day!

[7:42pm] Non-stick cookies sheets are the bomb.

[7:44pm] Who needs dinner when you have cookies??

[7:51pm] Second batch in the oven!

[7:52pm] Pre-prepping next batch because waiting sucks.

[8:04pm] Second batch done! And not too big, hooray!

[Addendum to 8:04pm] Cookie on the floor. Oh no.

[8:07pm] Third batch in the oven!

[8:21pm] Third batch done!

[8:25pm] Final batch in the oven!

Note to reader: Most of that in-between time has been spent either dancing or lying on the kitchen floor.

[8:36pm] ALL THE COOKIES ARE DONE!

Woo!

[Addendum to 8:36pm] I’m drunk.

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And so, dear readers, that’s how drunk baking is done. I invite you all to share your own drunk baking stories.

Also, cookies are delicious. Om nom nom.